Why?
by IMTheresa
Summary: Dean wonders why things are the way they are


_Disclaimer: The Winchesters belong to Eric Kripke and I will be forever grateful to him for sharing them with us. I hope he doesn't mind me borrowing them from time to time; I promise to return them as I found them._

_A/N: I was cleaning out a drawer earlier and found a legal pad with a few scrawlings; some thoughts written early on in the first season of Supernatural. Maybe I was thinking about writing a story or maybe responding to a post from the Yahoo Group. I barely remember writing them but the following is what happened when I re-read them. _

Why?

Why did his mother have to die?

Why did his father become so bitter and so determined to find the thing that killed her he forgot to raise his sons?

Why did he keep fighting evil when he knew that in the end, there was too much evil to fight?

These were questions Dean Winchester tried not to ask but sometimes they came into his head anyway. Usually it was when he was exhausted. Sometimes when he was drunk. Always when his brother was hurt.

Sam.

Maybe one of the reasons he kept fighting was for Sam. His brother wasn't supposed to grow up the way he did. He was supposed to run in a big back yard. He was supposed to have friends. He was supposed to play soccer and football and baseball. He was supposed to graduate from college. Instead he moved from place to place, never anywhere long enough to make friends, learning how to hunt demons and how to use weapons

It didn't matter to Dean that all of those things were supposed to be for him as well. He had a few years of running and playing. He had a few years of his mom loving him, laughing with him and making the world a special place. He had a few years of his dad laughing and tossing a ball with him. A few years he barely remembered because he was only four when Mary was taken from him. But that was more than Sam had. All Sam had was the hunter who occasionally pretended to be a father.

Why couldn't John have been a father first and a hunter second?

Why did he put so much responsibility on Dean's shoulders?

Why did he make Dean so terrified of being alone?

Those were questions Dean managed to push away even in his darkest moments. He never let himself get tired enough or drunk enough to think about those things. But when Sam was hurt…

Sam.

He'd been safe at college. He had the normal life he'd yearned for. But Dean hated it. He hated being alone with John because, if it was possible, he was even less of a father after Sam left. Dean missed his brother but wasn't allowed to talk about it; didn't know how to talk about it. So he kept silent and withdrew more and more. He worked jobs on his own but detested it. He enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and of a job well done but the days were long. He masked the pain with too much alcohol and too many women and sometimes with too much carelessness.

But then John disappeared and Dean panicked. He had to find his father because he'd already lost Sam and he couldn't be alone forever.

Why was he so selfish?

Why couldn't he let Sam have his normal life?

Why was he so afraid?

Dean didn't let his mind go there as he drove west to ask for Sam's help. He told himself that if John had gone missing anywhere other than California he would have left Sam alone. But in the darkness of the motel room, with not enough Tequila and no woman nearby, he knew the truth. He was terrified. Not terrified that John was hurt or dead, but terrified that he would be alone forever.

Sam agreed to go with him, but only for the weekend because he had a law school interview on Monday. Dean kept his promise and took him home, even though they hadn't found John and he was still scared to be alone. He left Sam at his doorway with the vague suggestion of meeting up later.

Why did the demon take Sam's girlfriend?

Why did he go back to Sam's apartment?

The next question wasn't a _why_ but a _what if_? He refused to think about what would have happened if he hadn't gone back and pulled Sam out of that burning room. Losing Sam forever was just not an option.

Sam.

His little brother was fighting for his life in a hospital bed.

_Why?_

John was still missing and the trail was cold.

_Why?_

Dean was afraid, lost, broken…

_Why?_


End file.
